Unfinished Business
Last Lent, I took wise advise and spent the 40+ days trying to understand a virtue of choice. I settled on Forgiveness because I was most in need of that. A wonderful journey I highly recommend for anyone. The first part, why should we forgive was actually very easy. Every Religion, every ethical system, every mental health care expert agrees. It is not about the person forgiven, but about the person who forgives.
Now comes the second and hardest part. If Forgiveness is that wonderful, why is there so little of it? ( Please do not count the, “ I forgive you, but I will never let you live it down.” Forgiveness.) In fact, it took another 300 + days, and the only two reasons I can offer this now are 1} It’s Lent again and time for a new Virtue (Compassion) and 2} I promised myself to finish this piece of writing by March 1, 2010 and please forgive me, I’m going to.
That should not be interpreted as I have anything to offer in answer, because I remain as confused as ever. But I can offer two plausible explanations. Perhaps people hang on to the hate and anger because it pays off. Eckhart Tolle, in A New Earth, talks about the ego’s need to find form in constant thought. That long held grievances give meaning to the egos existence and it takes great courage and wisdom to step away from the “voice” in our head and see reality. We come to define ourselves as someone who had this done to us, or this said about us. Our ego realizes it’s greatest dream—to be noticed.
Secondly, seeing reality requires an autopsy of our lives and that can be very painful. Anger is a healthy response to immediate physical threats. If I cannot flee I may need to fight. Anger will keep me from feeling the pain when I get hit in the head. I will keep going and perhaps save my life. But long term anger is not protecting me from physical pain, so what is it protecting me from? Emotional pain. If I stop being angry, then reality will slowly emerge and I am forced to examine my responsibility in the situation. Perhaps there were kinder, better responses. That would make me partly to blame and realizing that indicates I might not be perfect. As long as I stay angry, I don’t need to face that.
I have a poster on my wall that says, “ The voyage of discovery is not about seeking new landscapes but having new eyes.” Proust.
The Amish in PA that comforted the family of the man who had killed their children, the man who reached out and healed the young adult who destroyed his son in a drunk driving accident, those who wished to include a candle for the murderer at the Front street shooting – those people had “new Eyes” and when God asks them ,” What did you do for the Least in my Kingdom?” they have a pretty good answer.